Hi Friends, I've been wanting to share this for a while... hope it is helpful for someone else out there. 💗
A year ago, I put Chase to rest. My best friend who was a furry four-legged fluff ball with the tenderest heart. Even as I type that my eyes become teary. I was super blessed to have such an amazing pal for many years of my life. His presence was such a huge help at many hard moments I faced… moments I wasn’t sure I’d make it through.
Prior to that day, I had been dealing with some unknown health issues due to stress. With the added grief I went into what I have started to refer as “Face Plants.” I call it that because if you have ever watched someone learn to snowboard, they can do a dramatic face plant and not get up for a while…..*&@#!
Throughout my adult life, I have experienced chronic pain. I realized it started after I had open heart surgery at 17 just a few months before turning 18. It was a lot to endure at that time and I know I tucked a lot away inside just to “get through”. On my first night home from the Hospital, I was stuck in bed and couldn’t move due to the pain. The medication had worn off and the layout of the house made it difficult for anyone to hear me.
I find it fascinating to look at how I kept recreating that scenario in my life… Today I am grateful for each time that I was in a “face plant”. It has been a handful of times and to be honest I was never out of pain in between them. It’s interesting to say that I’m grateful because of the intensity of the pain, but I am grateful because I met myself more deeply each time.
I had an amazing shift happen last year. After saying goodbye (physically 💗) to Chase I went to a weekend retreat to assist my mourning. I was at a cabin on top of a hill and spent time listening to the wind in the trees which seemed to help my heart. I had gotten bit by something on my knee that left a trail of blood. Mosquito? Nothing seemed to emerge from it. I continued to hike up and down the hill even though it was painful since I had the mentality to “push through”. I ended up getting really sick the last day and made it home just in time to get to my own bed safely. All my joints swelled up and my other knee (not bitten) swelled up like a cantaloupe. The pain was crazy but familiar.
I laid in bed visualizing myself standing on the beach on Oregon as the tide was going out. I could feel the sand being pulled away from me under my feet and I was thinking it was pulling everything out that no longer served me. Felt good and then…. I paused. I decided to turn around back to myself, back in bed and was really present with the pain. The moment I did that there was a subtle shift. Some muscles started to relax and I could breathe a little easier. The healing had begun. Within about a month from that day I physically found myself standing on a Beach in Oregon. A beach I could drive onto since I was still healing. I had arrived just as the tide was going out. I made it over to stand in the water. It was an Amazing feeling!
It was still off season and beach had very few people on it so I felt as if I was alone on the beach. I soaked it up! As I stood there saying out loud, “I’m letting go of all that no longer serves me! “ I cried and in the next moment I turned around and I saw a HUGE Heart Cloud in the sky! Of course, I cried more and heard this loud internal message of YOU ARE LOVED! WE ARE ALL LOVED. Universal Love. If you know me, I see hearts everywhere and this was very powerful!
Some of the gifts from these years are…
- A trajectory of intention is wonderful… like the visualizing myself on the beach. The true point of power is being present in my heart feeling the feelings and letting life flow through me. Not letting emotions store in the body like an eddy in a river but to let it flow through. Not always comfortable but it is LIFE flowing. I think so many of us avoid feelings, especially the really hard and uncomfortable ones. I have known this in my head by not experienced it FULLY in my heart. I am learning and growing with this every day.
- Since heart surgery, I have been on a spiritual path...well since I was a little girl. I’ve always been curious of all that is. At the time of my surgery, I experienced what felt like a near death experience. It was an amazing feeling and I was in search of that again. When I decided to turn around into the pain it was about BEING in my Body, not out of it. Knowing I am not my body but BEING in it. to Embody😊. I think this can apply to so much in our lives. What do we avoid in ourselves, relationships, community, Humanity...?
- Living through my heart is how I choose to live. Being in kindness, compassion, and empathy for myself and all life forms. I have spent years in sadness, fear, and darkness. I thought I could find an answer out there somewhere… I have discovered even more deeply Answers are within. Years ago I started creating photos called “messages within”. I have found that at those moments I have cried my tears out and surrender some profound insights have come in. Also when sitting in Nature observing and being present (my favorite way of course 😉 ). I have access to that at all times and I believe we all do. Having experienced the darkness I am very grateful for the light. Grateful for it all. I find it so true that the more the pendulum swings the greater the experience. Grateful to feel it all because I am alive!!
It’s been over 30 years since my Heart surgery and I have been immersed in learning about the heart. I have found that it IS the most powerful part of ourselves and of the collective. When we are truly connected with our self and then have Heart connections with others, great expansion happens! It’s healing! In my opinion, the world could heal if we can each start coming from this place.
As I continued to heal, I have chosen to learn a few techniques that assisted me in healing and changing my life. I have been working with a dear friend, Lauren, since last Aug to assist others to heal themselves as well. I have done processes on myself and in our group and I experienced a huge shift in Jan. My physical pain got better and better since then. As of 2 months ago, I am doing things I haven’t done in years. I am feeling like a kid!
I believe we all have this power within us, in our HEART. I have always wanted to be more of service to others discovering themselves and really living life to the fullest!! Clearing belief systems that we unconsciously create from. I will definitely be sharing more about that very soon.
Thank you, friends, who have been supportive and connected. I haven’t shared much through this. I had a little funny I would share with some friends… some pictures I would share are from my driveway and some people thought I’d be on a great hike somewhere. All in perspective. ☺️ We really don’t know what is going on with someone else unless we connect. I’ve learned so much about that and my own assumptions. I am now back to walking and soon riding my bike. If any friends are up for a walk hit me up :) I’ve got weight to burn off now that I’m mobile ☺️
Thank you for reading. I have received a lot from others sharing and hope this is helpful for someone else. 💗
I am so grateful for so many amazing souls I have met over the last 3 years at some retreats and groups. Amazing to meet others from all over the world and knowing our heart connections. 💗
I’m so grateful for my mother who has been by my side through all of it. The darkest times and the light 💗 I love you mom!
PS.... I am always so moved when friends send me pictures of a heart somewhere and said they were thinking of me. SO MOVED! I hope you know how loved you are!!